Walking in the waves...

At the end of July I participated in GISH (Greatest International Scavenger Hunt). There was a particular challenge - I think the topic was "Show us your mind palace" - that a friend had claimed last minute, uploading a scribbled mess that looked like the trail of dust following Pigpen from the Peanuts comic. I'd recently doodled a colorful creation (see below) and asked him if I could use it instead. Thankfully he was more than fine with it. 

This style is not unusual for me to draw, though I rarely take the time to color it in. To me it looks like a chrysanthemum...lots of tiny petals in tight succession to create one larger bloom. 

But in all honesty, it does not portray my mind palace. It's far too bright and colorful. 

If asked to describe my "mind palace" (which thankfully no one ever has), I'd say it was a creative mess, a bit dark with comfortable hiding places and subtle details. I don't really have a mind palace, per se...but that's what comes to mind when I think of one. 

My brain likes to jump around a bit, following a train of thought that frequently only makes sense to me. I can usually convey how I got from one place to another if I explain the leaps, but it's far easier to either say nothing or preface a thought with "my mind made a couple jumps, but I promise this makes sense..." 

I made a couple of those leaps from mind palace to state of mind, specifically in reference to what it's like struggling with depression. 

It's something I rarely talk about, mostly because I'm a very private person. I hate feeling like I need to explain myself or worse, justify how I'm feeling about or reacting to a situation. It's much easier to keep those feelings most things to myself. If you know me, I'm not an oversharer...Instagraming my food being an obvious exception. :) 

Depression is something that everyone experiences differently...which only makes coping with it yourself and helping others also struggling all the more difficult. I've also found it's nearly impossible to explain to someone who has never dealt with it. There's a lack of sufficient vocabulary and at the same time too many words, such that the most well meaning person is just as likely to make things worse as they are to help. Don't even get me started on how debilitating "you just need to change your outlook/need a positive perspective," "I don't see what you have to complain/be depressed about," "if you think positive, your life will be more positive" or effing "just smile and things will get better" can be. 

See my February post for how I feel about those kind of unhelpful suggestions.

Drawing the "mind palace" got me thinking of how I would describe depression...what it's like for me. Admittedly it's an imperfect analogy, but it's reasonably close. 

It's like...walking on the beach. No, not into the sunset. It's like walking just inside the waterline. You're always aware that your feet are wet, but it doesn't affect your progress down the beach of life. It's just kind of there. The existence of depression never goes away, but sometimes it's more of a lingering presence than an active impediment to your everyday life. 

Then there are the days when the tide comes in. It could be for any number of reasons - stress, insecurity, anxiety, hurt feelings, life just getting a little overwhelming...or no reason at all...but now everything is harder to manage. Days like these are an official struggle, when depression feels like a literal burden you're carrying or, as a friend described it, like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill.  There are varying degrees...from it feeling like walking through 6 inches of water to wading 5 feet deep. But whatever the level, everything takes extra effort...and is exhausting. 

Waves are also a thing. Fortunately they don't happen too often. You could be splashing along, minding your own business, when suddenly a wave of depression crashes down on you. You know the feeling of being knocked head-over-heels by a wave? Yeah...that's it. For me, I rarely see it coming. Sometimes I can feel it gearing up, which tends to help me handle it better. But a lot of the time it about knocks me off my feet. Those are the days when you simultaneously want everyone to leave you the hell alone and to hold you tight, reminding you that you matter and that everything is going to be ok. 

I am fortunate that things have never been so bad that I can't get out of bed. There are days when it's difficult to get up and go about my day...and I have taken planned mental health days before (though rarely). But what I'd equate to feeling like drowning - crushing depression such that you are incapable of going about your day  - is something I haven't experienced.

The imperfection of this analogy is that on a real beach you can just walk away. Turn your back to the ocean of emotion (oh dear god), walk up the bluff and away from the wet socks and raging waves that are trying to drag you under.

Sadly your mental ocean doesn't work that way.

When discussing the analogy with a friend, we equated those who have never struggled with depression as people walking up on the bluffs. You might feel the mist or spray of the ocean from time to time when having a bad day...but it's not something you have to live with. And I think it helps describe how those of us in the waves must look to them...why can't we just walk away from the ocean, up the bluff to dry land where they are? Things would be easier...you just need to turn, to change your direction...your perspective...

If only it were that easy.



~ Katie Q.

My favorite, frequently quoted and utterly unhelpful psychology session. 😄