Temperamental Rant

Last week was really tough. Actually, the last two weeks have been more trying than usual, but last week definitely took the cake for "most overwhelming" so far this year.

Valentines is always a difficult time for me. With all the articles and advertising for flowers, jewelry, dinner reservations, date ideas or lists of "25 things to do when you're single on Valentine's day" smacking you in the face every 5 minutes, it can be hard not to spin a little out of control. I generally handle it by bemoaning my singlehood with grumpy cat and the like, venting a little steam to keep from exploding.

Speaking of which - one of the ways my Irish heritage manifests itself is in my natural inclination to bottle up my emotions. However, over the years I have learned to vent them, which helps avoid mountainous explosions of emotional lava (not to be over-dramatic or anything, lol).

Oddly enough, my lack of "keep it together-ness" partly resulted FROM my use of humor...or rather, well meaning individuals taking it upon themselves to comment on my venting or chastising me for complaining about the aforementioned commenting.

Here's the short version (and then I'll get past the ranting and onto something a bit more productive):

An acquaintance (technically Facebook friend, but hardly a "real life" friend) commented on my Grumpy Cat timeline cover (which is the above pic, only not in motion):

"Just remember there are different forms of love. While they are not all the same as a relationship with a significant other, you can still enjoy the "season" joyfully! Celebrate the wonderful friendships you have now and it will make it more bearable (speaking from experience  )"

I decided to shoot for a humorously nice reply, saying "Occasional grumbling can be therapeutic too...especially when expressed in a humorous fashion, like grumpy cat. :) 😾."""," , assuming that would be the end of it. 

Silly me.* 

I'd posted an ad from Hurts Donuts as part of a Valentine's Sweepstakes, which this person decided to comment on (about it being Ash Wednesday, which was ok-ish) and then later that day she posted this on my Facebook wall: 

"My sister showed this to me and I thought of you. Hopefully you can win the Hurts donuts so you can replay this on loop and eat donuts all day (or the day before since Valentines is Ash Wed this year). Hahaha"

Yes...because that's what I want to do on Valentine's Day. 

I made the mistake of complaining about the above to an actual friend, lamenting that I couldn't bring myself to tell the person to "f-off" with their "just decide everything is sunshine and rainbow!" bull. As someone who also struggles with depression, I wrongly assumed they would be sympathetic to my annoyance over the "smile and everything will be ok" mentality. So much nope. Instead I got (I'm paraphrasing) "Don't gripe about Valentine's Day. Use it to celebrate the things you can do but couples can't.** Being grumpy and bitter won't help with depression...and if you're already unhappy with life, why should Valentine's Day be any different?"  

Your support is overwhelming. Oh wait, that sound is actually the tearful, crushing loneliness resulting from the inability to share how I'm feeling...and making me feel that I should have just kept it to myself in the first place. 

The one other friend I told about it had the correct response of "Wow she's something else!?!?!" That's literally all I needed...a minimal amount of validation that I'm not crazy and, while well meaning, that the woman was decidedly unhelpful.

***

On to the productive portion of the post. 

I pride myself in being fairly self-aware. As my family can attest, especially this last week, that awareness does not always translate into handling situations in the most optimal way. What it does mean is that I recognize my feelings, understand them and then figure out how to deal with them (last week = poorly). 

In the midst of my anxiety ridden week, I was talking to my mom about a mutual friend's blog post about the temperaments and how hers has changed over time. This caused me to check out the test again, to see if things had changed for me as well. When I originally took a temperament test (back in...2006?), I got Melancholic/Choleric (80%/20%). The next time my results came back strongly Melancholic (who'da thunk?!). Phlegmatic came in second...and Sanguine was a little ahead of Choleric. Seems that I mellowed a bit.  

Taken Feb. 2018

When I took the test this time, I scored very high Melancholic, followed by Phlegmatic, then Choleric and Sanguine. One of the things I like about the test is that it isn't yes or no questions. Everyone is a combination of everything, with different parts of your personality being more predominant than others. Each question had a gradient scale (5 options) for agreeing or disagreeing with a statement, which helps provide more accurate answers. Very few situations in life are always-never. 

Also like most things, not all aspects of a temperament (or combination) will ring true, since everyone is different. Reading this description of Melancholic/Phlegmatic, some things definitely sound like me,  some only kind of - for example, I have made a conscious effort to tell people no, where I used to automatically say yes. I like being helpful, but have learned not to over extend myself. Highly organized is not how I'd describe myself...ditto for Perfectionist, at least not in a traditional sense. 

 The Melancholic / Phlegmatic

The melancholic-phlegmatic is tidier, more procedural and less flexible than the phlegmatic-melancholic. He may be slower to take on new projects, as the melancholic fear of new situations and tendency to perfectionism takes over. The double-dose of introversion, along with the melancholic tendency to negativity, makes it difficult for him to give compliments and make upbeat small talk. It also causes him to instinctively say “no” when he first hears a request. Others may perceive this as “snobbishness.” Unless the melancholic-phlegmatic is very comfortable, and is surrounded by understanding long-time friends, he may find himself somewhat isolated and alone, unable to warm up in a social gathering. He is less critical and less grudge-bearing than a pure melancholic or a melancholic-choleric. However, the tendency of the melancholic to dwell on things for a long time in their mind, combined with the sensitivity of the phlegmatic toward interpersonal relationships, can result in long-lasting hurts, an erosion of self-confidence and self-esteem, and even depression. Extremely sensitive and possessing a longing for the ideal (melancholic), they are also highly attentive to what others need or desire, through their phlegmatic aspect. This makes them more than usually susceptible to anxiety and a negative self-image.

This temperament combination is highly driven to succeed—not for success’ sake alone, but because their melancholic nature is drawn to high ideals, and their phlegmatic side will have a strong desire to please. Thus, they are capable of long-range planning, organization, and attention to detail that makes them excellent and conscientious scholars. They are capable of pursuing highly idealistic goals, usually with long-term academic requirements, such as attaining their doctorate. They value their friendships, but can spend many hours alone reading or studying. They may have a tendency to hypochondria or to genuine physical weaknesses, as well as a tendency to timidity and anxiety, especially about new activities or ventures.

One melancholic-phlegmatic we know is highly organized, critical, slow, and dogmatically unforgiving, yet reveals her phlegmatic aspect in her intense discomfort with confrontation (unless she is very at ease among the warring members) and in her strong relationships with her friends. You wouldn’t guess that she is so devoted to her friends, however, because true to her melancholic nature she rarely initiates contact with them – they always have to call her first. A tendency to avoid the stresses of social interaction by spending overmuch time alone—whether in scholarly pursuits or reading for relaxation—is something that melancholic-phlegmatics need to watch out for.

Impatience, stubbornness and being judgmental are weaknesses I combat (and have been failing at recently). Sarcasm is a lifeline in our family, though I've noticed myself leaning too heavily on it lately. Avoiding being passive-aggressive is very important to me, since it's something I hate in others...though I've found I have to consciously make a choice not to be P-A lately, which is discouraging. Indecision is too complicated for me to consider it a weakness, though it is definitely a facet of my personality and something I try to be aware of.

For reference, here is a list of strengths and weaknesses for each temperament. I find it helpful as a guide...something to help me be aware of my behavior, the idea being to support the strengths and work on the weaknesses.

I would recommend taking the test and then reading up on your dominant temperament(s). Self-awareness is a valuable tool in improving and attempting to be our best selves.

***

Conclusion - last week sucked. This one will too, but I'm going to try to handle it better. 

~ Katie Q.

* I've had actual, in person conversations with this person on at least two occasions about how people handle stress and singlehood differently. Personally, I find leaning into the skid can be helpful. Gripe a bit...post something darkly funny...and the angst works itself out of my system faster. I'm not accomplished in self-imposed delusion, believing that if I "turn that frown upside down" and pretend everything is peachy-keen, then it will be.

** My response: "It being a Wednesday, in the middle of the week, and you can't really do anything to escape it doesn't help either. There's no "single-y" way to celebrate...which would be what exactly? Oh boy, I get to go to a movie by myself...sure, I can go to whatever I want, but it's still alone. Or I can eat whatever/wherever I want. Oh wait...I could do that anyway because I'm single every other day too."