Thoughts/comments/considerations posted at the end of the article.
Young men giving up on marriage: ‘Women aren’t women anymore’
FAMILYThu Jan 10, 2013 - 8:02 pm EST
Fewer young men in the US want to get married than ever, while the desire for marriage is rising among young women, according to the Pew Research Center.
Pew recently found that the number of women 18-34 saying that having a successful marriage is one of the most important things rose from 28 percent to 37 percent since 1997. The number of young adult men saying the same thing dropped from 35 percent to 29 percent in the same time.
Pew’s findings have caught the attention of one US writer who maintains that feminism, deeply entrenched in every segment of the culture, has created an environment in which young men find it more beneficial to simply opt out of couple-dom entirely.
Suzanne Venker’s article, “The War on Men,” which appeared on the website of Fox News in late November, has become a lodestone for feminist writers who have attacked her position that the institution of marriage is threatened, not enhanced, by the supposed gains of the feminist movement over the last 50 years.
“Where have all the good (meaning marriageable) men gone?” is a question much talked about lately in the secular media, Venker says, but her answer, backed up by statistics, is not to the liking of mainstream commentators influenced by feminism.
She points out that for the first time in US history, the number of women in the workforce has surpassed the number of men, while more women than men are acquiring university degrees.
“The problem? This new phenomenon has changed the dance between men and women,” Venker wrote. With feminism pushing them out of their traditional role of breadwinner, protector and provider – and divorce laws increasingly creating a dangerously precarious financial prospect for the men cut loose from marriage – men are simply no longer finding any benefit in it.
As a writer and researcher into the trends of marriage and relationships, Venker said, she has “accidentally stumbled upon a subculture” of men who say “in no uncertain terms, that they’re never getting married.”
“When I ask them why, the answer is always the same: women aren’t women anymore.” Feminism, which teaches women to think of men as the enemy, has made women “angry” and “defensive, though often unknowingly.”
“Now the men have nowhere to go. It is precisely this dynamic – women good/men bad – that has destroyed the relationship between the sexes. Yet somehow, men are still to blame when love goes awry.”
“Men are tired,” Venker wrote. “Tired of being told there’s something fundamentally wrong with them. Tired of being told that if women aren’t happy, it’s men’s fault.”
Feminism and the sexual revolution have simply made marriage “obsolete” for women as a social and economic refuge, but this is a situation that should not be celebrated by feminists, Venker says.
“It’s the women who lose. Not only are they saddled with the consequences of sex, by dismissing male nature they’re forever seeking a balanced life. The fact is, women need men’s linear career goals – they need men to pick up the slack at the office – in order to live the balanced life they seek.”
A cross section of research data from the Pew Research Center for the last months of 2012 shows the alarming trends for marriage and child-bearing in the US. One report published in mid-December said that the latest census data showed “barely half” of all adults in the United States are currently married, a “record low”. Since 1960, the number of married adults has decreased from 72 percent to 51 today and the number of new marriages in the U.S. declined by five percent between 2009 and 2010.
Moreover, the median age at first marriage continues to rise with women getting married the first time at 26.5 years and men at 28.7. The declines in marriage are “most dramatic” among young adults. Just 20 percent of those aged 18 to 29 are married, compared with 59 percent in 1960.
“If current trends continue, the share of adults who are currently married will drop to below half within a few years,” the report said.
Moreover, the link between marriage and childrearing has become disconnected in the minds of the so-called Millennial generation, those between 18 and 29. While 52 percent of Millennials say being a good parent is “one of the most important things” in life, just 30 per cent say the same about having a successful marriage, an attitudinal survey found.
The gap, of 22 percentage points, between the value Millennials place on parenthood over marriage, was just 7 points in 1997. The research found that Millennials, many of whom are the children of divorce and single-parenthood themselves, are also less likely than their elders to say that a child needs both a father and mother at home, that single parenthood and unmarried couple parenthood are bad for society.
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This is a tough river to navigate.
Feminism has it's place. At the core, it's the idea that women have the same rights and dignity as men...which I like to think all reasonable people can agree upon. But that message has somewhat been lost (or at least wandered off track) over the years. It was fairly inevitable. Polite, quiet women would never have gained the rights we now enjoy, such as voting...it took angry, pushy women who wouldn't shut up.
Tangent alert - I just thought about it and feminists are a bit like unions. They serve a purpose - to fight for rights and reasonable treatment...until they get too big for their britches and create more problems than they fix! So feminism is the collective womens union. :)
Sorry...getting back on track...
Feminists has created or perpetuated a lot of problems, like twisting their purpose of helping women to promote things like abortion and contraceptives...which have been the biggest lies women have ever fallen for (but that's a whole different topic). They have also worked to level the playing field - such as equal pay and proper education for women. They can also push for unfortunate necessities, like a wife being able to prosecute her husband for rape. Just because he put a ring on it doesn't mean he can have whatever he wants, whenever or however he wants. Non-consensual non-spousal sexual intercourse has always been illegal, but until 1975 every state had a "marital exception." It wasn't until 1993 (1993!) that every state and DC finally had marital rape statutes on their books. It's still very hard to prove, but at least it's something.
Besides abortion and contraception, another disservice feminism has wrought is the demonizing of men. While you're frequently the problem, you're not always the problem! :) Another is telling women that they're the same as men...peddling the "think like a man" mentality, while at the same time telling men to stop acting like men (in both good and bad ways). Talk about mixed messages! (insert joke about women and mixed messages) Expecting and promoting women acting like men is stupid. I'm sorry, but we're not the same. We're equal...in dignity, intellect and worth...but certainly not the same. We were made to complement each other. Equal but different.
And I'm generalizing about women because it's easier. Clearly not all women are crazy, man hating shrews, just like not all men are aggressive, misogynist neanderthals. Personally I try to encourage gentleman-liness...I say thank you when men hold the door for me, try to be supportive of the men in my life, etc. I think you can be a strong woman without undermining men at the same time. It goes along with the whole "being equal" thing. Men are people too, ya know. :)
The article above make mention of the "where have all the good men gone?" problem and I can't help but think we (women) have helped to kill them off. We've gotten mad at them for treating us with respect and deference (door holding is a classic example), we haven't encouraged them to be ambitious and strong, instead telling them all forms of aggression and competition are bad and that we can do things our own damn selves. In our attempts to be the same as men, we've also chipped away at the foundations of real manhood at the same time, which isn't good for either of us.
And I can totally see (and blame) radical/unreasonable feminism for at least contributing to the problems we're seeing today of fewer and disintegrating marriages. If we see each other as the enemy, how can you build a healthy relationship/marriage? Another big problem is our spoiled, disposable mentality...which I readily admit falling prey to, though I'm trying to do better. We're not used to things being hard...having to compromise and sacrifice for the good of something other than ourselves, so when the going gets tough in a marriage, half the population decides to give up instead of trying to fix the problem(s) in their marriage.
Another slight tangent...my favorite TV marriage of all time is Peter and Elizabeth Burke from White Collar. Peter works for the FBI and has a dangerous, important job. Elizabeth owns her own catering company. They are both independently successful...and they both adore and support each other. Each would make whatever sacrifice was necessary for the other. They are equals in that marriage...they both give everything to each other while not "losing" any part of themselves in the process. I know it's easier to script that than to live it, but it's certainly a standard worthy of aspiration.
So no...not all the good men have disappeared (I've even met some)! :) But sadly our culture is not encouraging their existence. I think you can be a strong, independent woman without trampling or being trampled by the men in your life, be it coworkers, friends or spouses. We can be feminine, caring and supportive while also having careers, raising families and running countries. And I think you can be a strong, competitive, courageous man without being aggressive, offensive or threatening.
Unfortunately I have no practical solutions to offer...other than people should stop being shitty and treat each other better. Being thoughtful, considerate and not doing stupid things would fix about 85% of the world's problems!
So go out, be nice and have a good week!
~ Katie
Song(s) of the day: I can't resist the urge to choose some Taylor Swift for this post...because it's never our fault. :)
"Should Have Said No"
Did I miss any other good ones? :)
I'm loving the title of the post! I agree, broadly, with your characterization of feminism, but I have a few quibbles:
ReplyDelete- You can reconcile the apparent discontinuity between the suffrage movement and the more radical version of feminism today by treating them as different groups of people (which they are). 1st wave feminists would cringe at a lot of 2nd and 3rd wave feminists. Same for 2nd wave vs 3rd.
- Unions, as they existed in the US, were never beneficial for anyone besides the bosses and the people paying dues. They have always been violent groups (whether physically or through the use of property-rights-destroying legislation) and did a lot to harm consumers and low-skilled workers. To the extent that their demands were outpaced by gains in labor productivity, they served only to enrich the bosses. It is gains in technology and labor productivity that secured better working conditions for all.
- It's interesting to note that violence, crassness, and hatred only get one somewhere in politics and crime. Since the state withheld rights from women (e.g. the right to vote and the right to determine what happens to their own bodies), it had to be taken back, sometimes in an aggressive manner. However, the massive shift in the male/female balance of the labor force that occurred in the 1980s occurred peacefully as a result of a move toward a more service-based labor force (and away from the more physically demanding, dangerous, and disgusting jobs that are still almost 100% "dominated" by men) as a share of the total labor force. The issue of equal pay is similar. Sexual discrimination, while certainly an issue, is punished financially on the market, not rewarded. As long as there have been consumers and producers competing for their business, this has been the case.
Christina Hoff Summers is my favorite feminist writer/academic. You should check out her YouTube channel!
Essentially I agree with you, about there being different waves of feminism, to the point they are basically different movements. The original feminists would be rolling in their graves at what their decedents (for lack of a better word) have done.
DeleteMy union comment was mostly meant as a joke. It just occurred to me as I was working on this post and made me laugh. :)
My thoughts mostly tended towards the social affects of feminism...for good and ill. It's just something interesting to reflect on, especially as a 30 year old single woman. I think women are better off than they use to be, but the social landscape is also very different and possibly harder to navigate than say, 20 years ago. On the plus side, even at 30 years old I still have a decent chance of finding "Mr. Right" (fingers crossed), whereas "back in the day" I would be beyond a marriageable age at this point. And if movies have taught me anything, my only choice would to be stuck teaching at an all girls boarding school, perpetually angry and taking it out on my poor students...perhaps seeking companionship via owning several cats. :)