Modern Romance

I'm not a huge Aziz Ansari fan. His stand up can be pretty funny, but his character on Parks and Recreation (Tom Haverford) gets on my nerves pretty quickly. But after reading a couple things about his new book, Modern Romance, I might have to buy a copy. I feel like it would make a really good conversation piece as a coffee table book. :)

I first read about the book in TIME magazine, which had a lengthy article by Ansari called "Everything you thought you knew about l-o-v-e is wrong." It's more comprehensive than the article I included below from the Washington Post...it includes antidotes such as it took Ansari longer to decide what he wanted for dinner than it did for his father to decide to marry his mother (granted they had an arranged marriage, but details). It's entertaining and worth the read...and is the main reason I'll probably buy the book, once I have a table to put it on. :)

In the article below there's a list of 5 things that bug people about modern dating, specifically where technology is involved. I wrote up some comments in blue.

Aziz Ansari thinks men's first-date texts are lazy
June 10, 2015 5:47 pm  •  BY LISA BONOS / THE WASHINGTON POST

"Heyyy!"

If this is how you're trying to get a date, Aziz Ansari says you're doing it wrong.

In his stand-up routines, Ansari captures the frustration and excitement of single life. A lot of that plays out over text message: People take forever to write back — or ask for sexts way too soon. Long exchanges fizzle before the texters ever meet up. Breaking up by text is even considered normal.

So it makes sense that some of the best stuff in his new book, "Modern Romance: An Investigation," written with sociologist Eric Klinenberg, looks at how singles communicate through their phones. In focus groups convened for the book, men and women offered up the messages in their smartphones for Ansari and Klinenberg to analyze. Ansari was not impressed: "I've spent hours talking with women and seeing the kind of 'first texts' they get from guys," he writes, "and trust me, it's infuriating. These were intelligent, attractive, amazing women and they all deserved better."

I'm glad somebody's noticed.

Here are five things that bug women and men the most when messaging with a potential love interest, according to Ansari and Klinenberg's research:

1. Generic "hey" texts. They look something like this: "Hey" / "Heyyy!" / "Wsup!" / "What's going on?" And they make no one feel special. "I've surely sent a good number of them in my own dating life," Ansari confesses. "Generic messages come off as super dull and lazy. They make the recipient feel like she's not very special or important to you." Common sense, but also a common problem.

I get the idea behind these kind of texts...they're quick, short and you don't have to overthink them. But the last thing I want is to feel like an afterthought or that someone is just fishing. I mean, how easy would it be for some guy to have texted "Hey" to three different girls he just met at a party? Making me feel special is the quickest way to get my attention. 

2. The secretary problem. This happens when two people ask each other what they're up to but never make solid plans to meet in real life. One person might say that "we should get a drink next week"; the other agrees, but no time is set and the conversation fizzles. Ansari summarizes the problem really well in a 2013 interview with Conan O'Brien: "It's pretty much, a lot of times like you're a secretary for this really shoddy organization, scheduling the dumbest s---, with the flakiest people ever."

I can see this being a problem for me. I'm incredibly indecisive, especially about things I don't care about. Not that I wouldn't care about the location/day/time of a date, but I probably not super opinionated about where I met someone for dinner or a drink. A) I have a hard time making decisions when I have to take someone else into account (what if they hate Paneras? What if they're vegan and, if so, why am I going out with them?)...and B) my calendar is generally pretty open, so I can be more accommodating than someone else with a busier schedule. Give me a where and when and I'll be there. :) 

3. The endless back-and-forth. This is when two strangers talk about anything but meeting up. And it's incredibly boring. "I can't tell you how many girls I met who were clearly interested in a guy who, instead of asking them out, just kept sucking them into more mundane banter with gems like 'So where do you do your laundry?' What follows are ten back-and-forths about laundry ('Yeah, I recently switched to fragrance-free detergent. It's been FANTASTIC.')"

Women over 25 have the least patience for this kind of meandering banter, Ansari says. Probably because we're most likely to remember the days when people called each other on the phone to set up a first date. For daters under 30, that's pretty rare. According to a 2013 Match.com survey cited in the book, 37 percent of first-date invitations were face-to-face, 32 percent were done via text message, 23 percent happened over the phone, and 1 percent were over email.

Small talk has its place, but if it devolves to "where do you do your laundry?", not only is it a little creepy, but it would make me think an actual date would be pretty boring too. 

4. Grammar/spelling. You don't have to be a National Spelling Bee champion to make it to a first date, but texting "Hey we shud hang out sumtimez" might kill your chances with someone. "In any interviews we did," Ansari writes, "whenever bad grammar or spelling popped up, it was an immediate and major turn-off."

One of my biggest pet peeves ever!!! Nothing turns me off more quickly (other than atrocious table manners) than someone sending a text or Facebook message that looks like it was written by a tweenager. I want to date a man, not a 13 year old girl!! For some things, no big deal. I text "omw" or "brd", but message me "How have u been," "What up" or "What u doing today" (those are actual quotes and thus are lacking punctuation on purpose) and you've lost me. For more epic examples, see my June 5th post. 

5. Are we "hanging out" or going out on a date? "The lack of clarity over whether the meet-up is even an actual date frustrates both sexes to no end," Ansari writes, "but since it's usually the guys initiating, this is a clear area where men can step it up."

For an example of how to avoid hang-out vs. date ambiguity, Ansari writes about a woman who met a guy at a loud party: "After I left he texted me, 'Hi [name redacted], this is [first name, last name], we're going on a date.' His confidence, straightforwardness and refreshingly gentlemanly approach (vs. skirting around 'let's hang out some time') made for an incredible first impression and had a lasting effect."

That kind of clarity is helpful for both parties. As my friend Jeffrey Platts wrote in an essay in 2014: "The one question that you never want to have to ask on a date [is]: 'So, is this a date?' I've been on dates (and non-dates) where that was the question one (or both of) us was asking ourselves. ... If she's not interested, you get to know right away. No need to waste time/money/energy/tears on finding out later."

I love the "we're going on a date" text. I mean, if it had been sent by a super cocky guy, then no. But if he was someone I was interested in, I'd appreciate the decisiveness. And that he's clearly interested in me too. I'd reply with "Where and when shall we meet?" :)

Not all text conversations are doomed. "We also found some really good texts that gave me hope for the modern man," Ansari says. Those might involve any or all of these: 1. an invitation to something specific at a specific time (what a concept!); 2. a callback to your previous interaction with this person (you know, kind of like a stand-up routine); 3. a humorous tone (no pressure, but do your best to channel your inner Aziz).

And at the end of the book, readers are rewarded with Aziz's first text exchange with the woman who's now his serious girlfriend. This is the chef who made him an out-and-proud feminist boyfriend. For the record, he did call her first, the old-fashioned way, and then followed up with a text when she didn't answer. Note the callback to their previous conversation — they met at a barbecue in Brooklyn earlier that week — and an invitation to do something at a specific time.

The next day, plans are solidified — and yes, Ansari waited a day to respond. He "intentionally waited so as not to come off as overeager," he writes in "Modern Romance."

For their first anniversary, Ansari's girlfriend made him a book of all their texts from their first year together. "For certain messages," Ansari writes, "she wrote out what was going on through her mind, and it was amazing."

Speaking of romance...or lack thereof...the umpire sent me a Facebook message on Wednesday. He hadn't been at the game on Tuesday, so I thought we (Emily and I) were safe. No such luck. I didn't "read" the message, but could see the preview. It just said "Hi Katie u guy win last night". As I didn't "read" it, I also didn't reply. I messaged Emily and, sure enough, he'd just messaged her too. Sigh and pooh. Thankfully nothing since then...but I'd be really happy for this problem to just go away.

TGIF and have a good weekend. If you haven't seen Jurassic World yet, I'd recommend it. I'm hoping to get to "Inside Out" at some point. Also "Far From the Maddening Crowds," with Carey Mulligan and Michael Sheen. Might go see that tonight.


~ Katie