The Art of Listening

I think being a good listener is an important life skill. At work it helps you pay better attention to your boss/clients/coworkers. In your personal life shows someone you care about them enough to take time out of your day just for them. By being attentive to what they are feeling/thinking/saying, you are focusing on them, giving them your full attention and showing them that you think they are important.

I'm a fixer by nature. My first instinct is to do something to make things better for my friends and family. But I also recognize that there are many things over which I have zero control and sometimes all I can do to help is be there - to listen, be supportive and show I care. Sometimes all the other person needs is to get something off their chest, to vent a little to feel better...so just being there for them to talk to is the best way to "fix" things.

Active listening is also important. By asking questions, participating in a certain amount of give-and-take shows that you are paying attention so you don't glaze over while they just talk at you, unintentionally tuning them out.

Verily Magazine posted a good article with tips on ways to be a better listener. Their first suggestion is a very important component and something that is becoming more and more of a problem in our digital age...removing distractions. The last thing someone wants when they are opening up to you is to see you fiddling with your phone - checking your emails, texts or Facebook. When you do that, you're inadvertently conveying that they're not as important as the tweet, text or email. And making someone feel insignificant or unappreciated should be the last thing you want to do to a friend.

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5 WAYS TO BECOME A BETTER LISTENER
By Julia Hogan, LPC on Mar 24, 2015

Picture this: You’re out to lunch with a friend and she’s venting about her most recent conflict with her boss. You’re listening intently. Then your eyes wander to your phone. You see a notification pop up. Your curiosity gets the best of you and you can’t resist checking it. It will only take a second, after all. As you try to check back into the conversation, you realize you have no idea what your friend has been saying.

Sound familiar?

Particularly in the age of smartphones, it’s easier than ever to tune out of a conversation. But failing to listen well can hurt opportunities to build authentic and effective connections. Being a good listener at work means you’ll make less mistakes and waste less time. At home, listening helps develop resourcefulness, self-reliance, and problem-solving skills. Listening strengthens friendships, builds careers, saves money, and improves marriages.

Ready to make everyone love talking to you? Try these five easy tips.

01. LIMIT YOUR DISTRACTIONS.

Getting distracted is a surefire way to hurt your credibility as a listener. Distraction prevents you from being truly engaged in the conversation. You’re likely to miss key details, which can prove disastrous at times (“I thought the deadline was the 13th, not the 3rd!”). When having a conversation, drop any distractions that might prevent you from listening well. Silence notifications on your phone or, better yet, put your phone away. Resist the urge to check it during your conversation. If you’re having a hard time focusing, try this simple trick: Press your toes firmly to the ground. This mindfulness technique helps bring you back to the present, says Olivia Fox Cabane, author of The Charisma Myth.

02. ADJUST YOUR BODY LANGUAGE.

Nonverbal cues are just as important as verbal cues when you’re engaged in a conversation. According to researchers, 55 percent of communication is attributed to body language and 38 percent to your tone of voice. That means only 7 percent comes from the actual worlds spoken. Your body language speaks volumes, so pay attention to the way you act during a conversation. To enhance your listening, face the person speaking while leaning slightly forward. Make frequent eye contact. Nod your head to signal understanding, and maintain an open posture (that means no crossed arms!). The person speaking will pick up on your body language and will appreciate your attentiveness.

03. DO A DOUBLE CHECK.

Ask clarifying questions and paraphrase what the speaker just communicated to you. This will helps you better understand what is being communicated. Be sure to ask open-ended questions—those that require more than a “yes” or “no” answer. For example, rather than saying, “Are you excited about your upcoming trip?” try instead, “How are you feeling about your upcoming trip?” These types of questions help deepen conversation and elicit key details.

04. AVOID BEING SOLUTION-FOCUSED.

It’s tempting to focus on providing a solution to the problem your friend or coworker is venting about. But jumping straight to the solution can often leave a person feeling unheard. Sometimes, people just want a chance to talk through an issue instead of identifying a solution right away. It’s important to validate your friend’s feelings. Try, “That must have been so frustrating!” Then you’ll have a better idea of what solutions you can offer if necessary.

05. REMEMBER SILENCE IS GOLDEN.

Have you ever interrupted a friend with a personal story related to the one she was sharing? Resist the urge to jump in! Interruption can lead to two one-sided conversations with each person trying to get their story out while not listening to the other person. Instead, wait for an appropriate pause to share your story. But be sure to ask yourself whether it’s relevant to the conversation at hand.

Making a few changes to how you listen can unlock new opportunities for personal growth in friendships and work relationships. When you are truly engaged in a conversation, that alone is invaluable to the speaker. Evaluate your listening style and incorporate some of these tips. You may start to notice things you’ve never noticed before!

~ Katie