Universal truths...92% of the time.

Good ol' Oscar. Always supplying the perfect quote. :)

Alrighty, gentlemen...after having an hour long phone conversation earlier this week with a male friend who clearly knows nothing about women, I have decided to share a couple pieces of invaluable information that are universal truths about women...eh, about 92% of the time. Potential variables: not all women are the same, situations change the rules...and when emotions are involved, nothing's set in stone.

However, it is still in your best interest to pay close attention.

1.) Venting
If a woman is complaining and not asking you any direct questions which you actually need to answer, do not offer solutions or ways to fix whatever it is she's complaining about.

Just listen...sympathize...maybe ask a question or two to show you're engaged & paying attention.

That's it.

I know as men you're naturally inclined to fix things or offer solutions...and while it is an admirable trait, it's not what women are looking for when we talk to you about what's upsetting, worrying or frustrating us.

Venting does not require a solution.

Chances are we're on the verge of an official meltdown and venting is our way of letting off stream to avoid a Mount Vesuvius-esque scenario. We want to voice our concerns or problems...to put our thoughts into words, which helps us work through them. Men tend to be action-oriented...while you might go play golf to beat the heck out of a small, plastic ball or kill thousands of zombies in a video game to vent anger or frustration, we tend to do it verbally.


1.5) Personal Pet Peeve: "Silver Linings"
If I'm complaining or venting about something, the last thing I want is for someone to say "on the bright side, (fill in the blank)" or "At least, blah blah blah." No...no bright side. Things aren't bright. They are dark and stupid...because I'm annoyed/worried/upset. I won't be annoyed for long (generally speaking), but right now I am, so just give me a moment and then I can move on. Thank you. :)


2.) Famous Last Words
- "You're overacting."
- "Calm down/relax"
- "Stop yelling/you don't need to yell"
- Including the word "psycho" or "crazy" when referring to the woman with whom you are speaking.

Those are trigger words that will only make things worse. Guaranteed. I don't care what's going on, but you've just lost. Even if she just walks away and the argument/discussion has ended for the moment, you are seriously going to pay for it later. So just don't.

***

After I came up with those two (well, 2.5) examples myself, I Googled "Things Men Should Never Say To Women" for the fun of it and ran across a good list from Men's Health. I was surprised by the insight, until I noticed it was written by a woman. :)

PS. Editor's Note = written by me! :)


Things You Should Never Say to Her

Women freak out. Often at you. Often for no discernible reason.

You say something that you consider totally innocuous, or even downright nice, only to find that you've offended, enraged, or annoyed us.

Your first problem—being attracted to women, a very weird group of people—is not going to go away. But here's a problem you can solve: word choice. You need to know the phrases that, once introduced to her volatile atmosphere, will result in explosion (or quiet contempt—no picnic either). Then you need to strike them from your vocabulary.

Warning: Some of these absolute no-no words and phrases seem so incredibly harmless, you may think we're kidding. We're not.

"Relax"

It might seem logical to you to tell a woman who's freaking out to relax. And if "logical" meant the same thing as "stupidest idea ever," you'd be correct. Understand, a woman screaming and carrying on in anger or frustration or panic thinks that her response is 100 percent appropriate. If the inciting situation has anything to do with you, she feels she has a responsibility to freak out extra to compensate for your maddening calm.

So when you tell her to relax, you're implying that your response—i.e., nothing—is correct. You're denying that there's a reason to be upset. You're telling her she's crazy. Women may sometimes feel crazy and joke about it, but anything smacking of accusations of being crazy will be far from soothing.

Say: "I'm just as upset about this as you are. Let's deal with it together." This way she knows you're totally sympathetic. This should help her to . . . oh, God . . . relax.

"I Love You" (During a Fight)

In movies, "I love you" is usually employed by men during I-love-you– appropriate situations—lovemaking, walks on the beach, airport reunions. In real life, a woman hears "I love you" most often at that point in a fight when she desperately wants to get to the heart of the issue, and when you desperately want to stop this nonsense and watch Alias—which you don't normally even watch.

When you come home shirtless from a bachelor party or forget our birthdays and stand there in the face of our rage and crushing disappointment, do you really believe that merely stating the powerful existence of your love is going to make everything okay? Because it's not.

Say:
1. "[Insert detailed explanation of what you did and why you did it.]"
2. "It won't happen again." 
3. "I love you." (It's okay at the end of the apology, just not at the beginning.)

- Editor's (side)Note: The truth can really get you out of a lot of accidental trouble, like forgetting something important. If you legitimately forgot, it's still not ok, but we'll understand...and we'll be more annoyed if you lie or try to come up with excuses for why you forgot. "I'm sorry, I totally forgot" is simple and forgivable...as long as it's true. 

 

"It's Up to You"

Relationships are full of decisions. You decide where to eat, where to go on vacation, where to send your child to preschool. Most men wouldn't dream of looking at their wife or girlfriend and saying, "You know what? I just don't care." They would, however, say, "It's up to you." And find themselves in a world of hurt they never saw coming.

Men think of decision-making as work without pay. For women, it's like window-shopping for life's possibilities, and we want you to help us shop. So when you say, "It's up to you," we feel abandoned. 

Say: "I could definitely do A or B, but I'm not crazy about C. What are you thinking?" This shows you're listening, suggests you care, and gets you out of deciding.

- Editor's Note: Personally, I like input...it makes my life easier. People think I'm indecisive, which is true on occasion, but it's more that I can get overwhelmed with possibilities. For example: if I'm making a decision solely for myself, there might be 3 possible options....totally doable. Add another person to the mix, now it's 3x3 = 9 options. Add a third person and I feel like 3x3x3 = 27 choices to pick from, at which point I can get overwhelmed trying to pick just one. But if I have input...like, "I have a taste for hamburgers" or "I don't want to watch a chick flick"...that quickly narrows things down and I have a shorter mental list to choose from, which is infinitely easier.

(Nothing)

At times, you may be afraid of saying the wrong thing. You may think, If I just keep my mouth shut, I'll be okay. Well, no. Imagine you're pitching in a baseball game in which there is no hitter, not even a catcher. You would not enjoy that. Imagine yourself, head hanging, going to retrieve the ball yourself and, once again, throwing it to no one. That's how we feel when you don't talk to us.

Say: Anything. Throw the ball back. Throw it badly. Even risk throwing a wild pitch and letting her take an extra base. But keep your head in the game.

 

The Magic Words

When a woman wants to kill you, you have one thing going for you: Deep down, a tiny part of her wants you to make her not do it. She just might put down the apple slicer if you say one of the following sentences:

"Just tell me everything." 
I don't think a man has ever actually uttered this statement, so make history. Here's the thing: Our most violent anger is often the result of anticipating being forced to shut up. So once we're told we can give our entire, endless account—no rushing or defending ourselves—we cool off. Side benefit: We also get a little intimidated. We think, Is this part important or interesting or relevant? We edit ourselves.

- Editor's Note: I realize you don't actually want to hear about everything, but guess what? We don't care about football scores or which WWE wrestler is on top or what Nascar driver won something-something today (I'm sure there are exceptions to this, in which case use your imagination)...other than because you do. So just like we listen and engage you, take some time to listen to what's important to us, even it's not a top priority to you.

"You are just so beautiful." 
The trick: You must say it as if it's just occurring to you at the moment, as if her pulchritude were a rainbow suddenly in your path, the stunningness of which has left you incapacitated, emotionally stunted, but in a good way. Say it as if you can remember little else—certainly not whatever irksome matter you were just discussing. Works well as an alternative to "I love you"—but, the same way butter makes anything taste better, it's all-purpose.

"Sorry. It was all my fault." 
So classic. So hard to say. Because it's never all your fault, of course—and it's a very rare case in which she shouldn't also say she's sorry. Everyone likes to save face, especially men. But truly, there is nothing hotter to a woman than a man who's willing to admit he was wrong because he just loves her so damn much. You might feel like you're losing her respect, but unless you're always the one to apologize (which means you have a crazy lady on your hands), trust me, you're gaining it.

***

I pulled some from another list I came across, mostly because I enjoyed the commentary, which I think was written by a dude.

1. "Are you really going to eat all that?"
Your girlfriend is, by definition, as light as a feather and nimble as a ballerina. To so much as whisper a hint of the notion that she might be, you know, otherwise, is to risk paying a price as heavy as you suspect her to be. In fact, avoid the topic of food altogether if you can. Eating is an emotional, often obsessive business for women, and occasionally it's an actual disorder. It's tied up with their identity, their self-image, their fantasies. So the answer is, yes, she's really going to eat all that. All that ballet must have given her an appetite.

- Editor's Note: Easy rule of thumb...stay away from saying or implying anything weight related. There is literally no way it will end well. It might not end in disaster, but it will never end well.

4. "You always do that"
One sure way to escalate a minor tiff into a nuclear showdown is to use words like "never" and "always." They're too sweeping to be true, so you'll not only upset her, but also give her the opportunity to prove you wrong and seize the higher ground. And it tends to drag every other argument you've had into your present one, which is like rehashing all the worst parts of your relationship all at once.

6. "Yeah, she's hot" 
Chances are she lured you in with an innocent question, like, "Do you think she's cute?" shrugging her shoulders like it wouldn't matter either way. But don't be fooled. You must lie quickly and reflexively. Whether it's a girl in a magazine, a Facebook friend, a waitress -- whoever -- the answer is always no. In fact, you win extra points for casually finding fault in her the closer you look. Watch your girlfriend light up as you say, "Is it me, or is her nose a bit weird?"

- Editor's Note: While I would never advocate lying to your girlfriend, for this example I'd say if she's dumb enough to ask, you're free to...not tell the truth. Kind of like "does this skirt/dress/pants make me look fat?"...the answer is always no. Or at the very least, never yes. If the clothes we're asking about are genuinely unattractive, saying "you have other skirts/pants/dresses I like better" or "the last pair were more flattering" are infinitely better choices.


So there you have it....insight into the female mind. Or one, at least. :)

Enjoy, good luck and happy Friday! 


~ Katie

Off topic, I know...but I thought it was funny. :)