The power of touch

Sunday night I attended an outdoor theatre production of Beauty and the Beast. It was a gorgeous night...a breezy 75°, a welcome reprieve after a week in the 100s. A good friend's younger brother played a fork and one of Gaston's cronies in the bar scene. Between the weather, knowing Kevin was in the play and Belle being my favorite Disney princess, I was a pretty happy camper.

I also knew the actor playing Gaston. He gave a great performance; he was loud, brash, hyper-masculine and (thankfully) an excellent singer. In a scene near the end of the play, after Gaston threatens Belle with having her father committed if she doesn't agree to marry him, he grabbed and forcibly kissed Belle, earning him a slap in the face.  

That addition bothered me a little. Not in a "but Gaston wouldn't do that!" kind of way, but more like I found it mildly distressing. 

I talked to a friend about it a little after lunch yesterday, not really going into much detail...but it did get me thinking. When I react to something like that, I need time to consider the reason for my response...why I felt that way. The resultant mulling turned into the need to write about it...a kind of thinking out loud, but on paper (on screen?). 

I don't like being grabbed. Part of that comes from having "trouble with authority." I have a problem with being told what to do.* It's a weird dichotomy for me, because I also hate confrontation...which basically means I'm constantly struggling between fighting someone on a given issue and trying to work things out amicably. Being pulled or grabbed is a physical manifestation of that, feeling like my person is being "forced" to move somewhere against my will. 

The other part is because Physical Touch is one of my primary love languages. If you're not familiar with the 5 Love Languages, it's the ways we experience and express feeling/showing love. Dr. Gary Chapman describes it as a "love tank," our capacity or reserve of feeling loved and how that "tank" is best filled. Everyone experiences feeling loved a little differently, but he breaks down it down into five basic categories, which I've listed below with my score in each. 

8 Physical Touch
8 Quality Time
6 Acts of Service
5 Receiving Gifts
3 Words of Affirmation
(I just retook the quiz...the results were the same as when I took it in 2015.)

Physical touch is very important to me, in a romantic setting or otherwise. Hugging friends, shaking hands, bumping shoulders when giving someone a hard time. Hitting people in a friendly manner...part of that is being Italian, but the other is feeling comfortable coming into contact with the other person. I don't hit just anyone...if I come into unnecessary contact with a person, they matter. Same goes with spending time with people, especially these days. If I chose to spend or specifically make time to be with you, you're important to me. I'm perfectly willing to say no to people or events if I don't care about them. 

A touch can be very grounding. I remember years ago when I was hanging out with friends and my ex called out of the blue (which always upset me). I'm not one for emotional public outbursts, so I was trying to keep it together as best I could. I had my feet on my best friend's chair (we were sitting around a table playing board games) and they put their hand on my ankle, making me aware they knew what was up and to offer some silent support. That little act of kindness kept me from completely spinning out. I'm sure they don't even remember doing it, but it made a big difference to me. 


Physical contact can also be extremely off-putting. If I'm angry or upset with someone, literally the last thing I want is for them to touch me. Not in a punishment, I won't let you touch me way...more like it'll make my skin crawl and I'll be inclined to cause you physical harm. 

For me there's a huge difference between being touched and being grabbed. Grabbing is taking, it's doing an action because you (the grabber) want something. There's a selfishness and lack of consideration to it...sometimes a certain amount of entitlement, like they have the right to grab someone's arm, waist or...other things. It can feel possessive and domineering. 

As with everything, there are exceptions. A lot depends on the person and the situation. A playful spirit and lighthearted gesture won't feel grabby or controlling. It's a moment created together. 

Along those lines, being touched is something you share. Like holding hands or touching shoulders because you're sitting so close to each other. The best "classic" example I can think of is the hair tuck. It provides a connection without utterly invading the other person's space. It's a simple moment between two people. There's gentleness and affection conveyed. An appreciation from the other person's existence. Slow is not bad when it comes to moments...and rushing it can definitely ruin things, making the action seem more important than the person. 

One of the problems with all this is it's not black and white. A lot of it depends on the person and how you feel about them, best explained by Ted's "Dobler-Dahmer Theory" from How I Met Your Mother. "Whether a gesture is charming or alarming depends on how it's received." Two people could do the exact same thing...let's say tackle you onto a couch...and with one person you're cool it with and the other person has you dialing 9-1-1. Both people could have the same intent, but your perception of their actions is what makes the difference. 

There's also the spontaneity issue. Asking permission for everything takes the romance out of it. It can also just make things super awkward, like prom night for the "Gender Equality Society" in New Girl (also, don't rent a room on prom night 😑). I'm not looking to squelch enthusiasm. Sometimes you just want to grab the person you love and kiss them. I get that. I'm not even opposed to it. I like a take-charge kinda guy, as long as that leadership tendency is tempered with consideration. For example, I don't like being in the spotlight, so dipping me in a crowded restaurant in front of everyone would be a bad idea. Ditto for a proposal, btw. You might feel the need to make such a public display or grand gesture, but it's necessary to take the object of your attention into consideration. Otherwise it's about you, not them. But kissing in a dark theater or turning on music and slow dancing at the spur of the moment could both be sweet, impromptu displays of affection. 

Indecisiveness is not a particularly attractive quality...partly because I'm a situational-ly indecisive person and partly because I don't want to "wear the pants" in a relationship. I have the capability of being a leader, the driver or decision maker...but my superpower lies in being epic-ly supportive. I just need to feel heard, not overridden. For the right person, I've got their back...and I'll expect them to have mine. In not liking excessive assertiveness, I'm not encouraging hesitation or lack of initiative. I want a guy to kiss me, not expect me be the one to make the first move. But there's a difference between, say a kiss and frenching, especially right out of the gate...again, sharing an experience instead of forcing yourself on the other person. 

This is just a giant ramble. I have no answers or real conclusions. I suppose I'm just hoping this provides some food for thought. The real problem is everyone's different, so my perspective could be utterly unhelpful when considered for another person. 😐

I dunno...I guess finding a way to communicate with someone and truly listening/trying to understand their feelings is the healthiest way to make these kind of things work. 

Just...don't be a Gaston, k? 



~ Katie Q. 🐧


* One of the pros of my job is that it's fairly autonomous. I do the things I need to do, rarely in direct association with my coworkers (who I like, but they have their own jobs to do). I also don't have a supervisor or people working over me, other than my boss. And all the senators I've work for have been really good about trusting their staff to do their jobs and not micromanage things. I would not do well working under a nitpicky, unduly involved person.