When I'm upset and hurting, I tend to be even more introspective...which is a great place to be for someone who already lives inside their head. This becomes amplified after a break up, when you can't help but ask yourself things like what if I'd said this? Why didn't I suggest that? If only I'd worn something different, been more open, funny, loving or exciting. Why wasn't I enough? If I'd been prettier, smarter, more creative or expressive, things might have gone differently.
And when that voice isn't throwing your insecurities in your face, it's demeaning you for your lack of judgement - how did you let this happen again? And why are you surprised? It's not like you didn't know better.
But those are all the wrong questions.
The right ones are how do I move forward? What do I need to recover? How do I grieve properly this time? When can I spend time with people I care about who can help me through this? Because whether you like it or not, life moves on and you have to move with it.
The irony of this particular situation is the reality offered could have been so much better than the narrative they created in their head. No one has a heart like mine, so this is truly their loss. Since they've never fully understood that, no matter how tough this is right now, in the end it was for the best. Because I know who I am and I'm worth it.
♦♢♦♢♦♢
I've never really been a "checklist" kind of person when it comes to being attracted to someone. At least not in the affirmative...so maybe I'm more of a "strikes" person? For the brief month I was on Match.com last year, there were things I saw in profiles that made me immediately move on, such as loves cats, life coach, daily runner, doesn't want kids, atheist, "active and ambitious and looking for a woman who feels the same", "works hard and plays harder!", doesn't like down time/always has to have something planned or if they listed any of the Transformers movies on their favorites list (kidding...well, mostly).
Online dating really isn't for me. I have a tough time connecting with people in general and it's even harder to do via the world wide web. Sure, people can lie and misrepresent themselves in real life, but the anonymity of the internet just amplifies my concerns. And being a real, authentic person is very important to me (I guess that's one thing for a checklist).
I ran across Matthew Hussey, a British "love life strategist," a couple years ago and have really liked some of his advice. Needless to say I haven't sufficiently utilized his suggestions, but if nothing else, I have found them to be helpful. And while there are things I don't agree with, he definitely has some good thoughts on life and dating.
A lot of MH's videos are related to attraction like 5 Irresistible Ways to Flirt (love the monkey 😂), #1 Easy Move to Make Him Chase You, How to Approach a Guy (brilliant!), What Men Want: Top 4 Things We Love In Our Dream Woman, and Flirting for Introverts. Knowing your worth, personal impact and investment follow close behind - How to Text Guys, How To Make Anyone Instantly Like You (short answer, make it about them, not you), Does He Like Me? 7 Surprising Signs He Does, Is He Worth it? (Cliff Note: if you have to ask, then no), What Makes You Undervalued by Men and Top 6 Traits to Look For in a High Value Man.
Side note: he's made some great parody videos - Fifty Shades of Earl Grey (Blooopers), Fifty Shades Darker and one about how utterly unromantic One Direction's song "Perfect" actually is. 😄 I had the same reaction the first time I heard that song..."What? No...that can't be what they just said...no, seriously..."
He also has suggestions about self improvement. I saw this on Instagram the other day and decided it was good "food for thought." (it explains the initial "checklist" comment)
But of course I'm perfect and have no room for improvem...bwhaha...sorry, I can't say that with a straight face. 😂
One thing I've always liked about my "taste in guys" is that looks haven't really mattered. I mean, they do. I've had crushes on a couple guys who were intrinsically very attractive (*cough*Dave!*cough*). But most of them have been fine...normal, not especially good looking guys. But they were attractive to me. It was the whole package that caught my attention. There were things about them that drew me which might not attract other people. A lot of it has to do with personality or behavior. I like a guy who makes me laugh. A good sense of humor is a must. Going out of your way for someone, showing that you care and are willing to invest in the other person are also highly attractive characteristics.
So I guess that is the start of a checklist...
✔ Sense of humor
Covered that one above...must have sense of humor. 😊 I definitely have a sense of humor. There's no way anyone survives in my family without one. But admittedly it's a bit...quirky. There are plenty of "normal" things I don't find funny - Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Wedding Crashers and SpongeBob come to mind. I like quick wit (which I lack) and dry humor, like Frasier and Two Weeks Notice. I've become more flexible in accommodating other people's sense of humor over the years, but it's something I still need to work on.
✔ Patience
I need someone who is patient - with me, with others and sometime down the road, our kids. And I need to be those things as well. I am not the most patient person (in a "I hate waiting a week to see the new episode of something!" kind of way 😏). When tired or stressed, I can have a short fuse. I try to be cognizant of it at the time/in a given situation, but it's something I need to improve upon. Down a different track...I have a "slow burn" personality - I have to trust and be comfortable with someone in order to be open, affectionate and share my thoughts/feelings...and that takes time and therefore patience on the other person's part to allow me to get close to them.
✔ Thoughtful and Caring
I should put this at the top of the list. Being thoughtful and caring permeates all other character traits. Thinking of others, putting them first. Everyone can improve in these areas and you spend a lifetime developing them...but some people exemplify it better than others, especially when it comes to the little things. Some easy examples - surprising your significant other by showing up with coffee, going to their favorite restaurant or taking them to a haunted house even if it's not your thing (hint, hint to Mr. Right 😉).
- ✔ Considerate - This is kind of a subcategory of caring, but it's important enough to have its own entry. How people treat waitstaff says a lot about them (kind of like how they treat their mom)...being rude, dismissive or entitled/superior to waitstaff (or any service type job) is a 3-in-1 strike in my book. It's also stupid, since those people are handling your food! 😁
✔ Understanding
This is kind of a weird and hard to define category. I'm pretty intuitive and a bit of an empath, which helps me "get" the people I care about (I'm a really good gift giver 😎)...and from experience I know I need someone who "gets" me too. I'm sensitive, but only in regards to people who are important to me. I'm fairly whatever about Joe Public (unless we're talking about confrontation, but that's a whole different story), but knowing that I'm heard, cared about and valued by "my people" matters a lot. Believe it or not, I've gotten a lot better about not taking things personally or getting my feelings hurt over little things...but it's an ongoing process.
✔ Courageous and strong
Life is full of tough choices and situations. Courage is being afraid and moving forward anyway. Strength of character is key - sticking to your values and convictions. Both are required when facing a tough decision and the wrong answer is also the easier one. These are qualities we all have to work on...but recognizing them in someone else can definitely be attractive (it's why Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney prince...he literally slays a seriously evil dragon for his beloved).
It also takes strength to acknowledge mistakes/failures and to take responsibility for them. I hate admitting when I'm wrong/made a mistake, so apologizing or actually saying I'm sorry is difficult for me. I default to trying to make up for or fix whatever the problem/mistake was, which I stand by (and appreciate in other people), but saying I'm sorry is also necessary. It's a one-two punch - both saying and doing - that makes an apology meaningful. Words are useless without following through with actions and our deeds less effective when unaccompanied by words.
✔ Confident and comfortable with himself
I'm a work in progress, but I have made a concerted effort over the years to know who I am and be comfortable with myself. I worry less about other people's perception of me (not in a "you don't know me!" kind of way) and want to be authentically myself, not a copy of someone else. How can I expect someone to understand me if I don't understand myself? That works in reverse too...how can I understand someone and be the support they need when they are unsure of themselves? I can't just be a source of reassurance and affirmations.
✔ Affectionate and playful
I'm a naturally affectionate and cuddly person (again, selectively). My two primary love languages are quality time and physical touch (I'm very much a "show me, don't just tell me" kind of person). I would not do well with someone who isn't physically affectionate, who doesn't like to hold hands or snuggle while watching a movie. I respect people who don't like engaging physically and need their personal space (I definitely do for "Joe Public"), but when it comes to a significant other, that's a bit of a deal breaker. As for playful...that's something I'm working on. I have the tendency to be a little uptight, but the more comfortable and at ease I am with someone, the more lighthearted and fun I can be. I'm a worrier and (for better or worse) calculate the ramifications of...well, most things. I'm working on being a bit more chill. ⛄
✔ Trustworthy
Another potential deal breaker - I have to be able to trust someone. That's the foundation of a relationship. I take trust very seriously. I pride myself in being someone you can count on. I will do almost anything for the people I love. I've got your back and I won't lie to you. No one is perfect - I've messed up plenty over the years (saying and doing the wrong things), as have people I care about...but there has to be a basic level of trust. I can be a bit Darcy about it too (if you switch out "trust" for "good opinion").
✔ Engaging...but not too engaging
In case you're new here, I'm an introvert. I'm selectively social, but generally personable...I can't tell you how many people have said how nice I am (I have a great personality)...but I'm definitely not someone who draws their energy from those around them. I've become more of an introvert as time has gone by...admittedly this is partially due to deciding it's ok to say "no" to doing things instead of saying "yes" all the time. It's been part of the "getting comfortable with who I am" thing. I felt like I had or was expected to say yes to going to this or participating in that when I really didn't want to...and it was exhausting. I'm still working to find a happy medium - "making myself" attend events more often, while balancing my need for peacefulness. I much prefer one-on-one time with people...my stamina for that is higher than group affairs. It allows me to give someone my full attention and I appreciate when I have theirs.
That being said, I'm definitely drawn to extroverts (being surrounded by them probably has something to do with it, as my immediate family are all extroverts), with certain limitations. I like their energy and admire their ability to engage with those around them, though when that turns into the need to be constantly entertaining and liked by everyone (think Andy from the Office...or nightmare scenario, Michael Scott), it can be difficult to accommodate. In movies and TV shows, I'm frequently drawn to extroverted characters who are also very person-centered, who make the people closest to them a priority, like Seeley Booth from Bones or Dean Winchester from Supernatural. Alternately, one of my favorite introvert characters is Kimball Cho from The Mentalist. Smart, serious, loyal, a good listener with a dry sense of humor...checks a lot of boxes. 😊
And to end on a funny note:
✔ Can cook...and is a dog person 🐶
It's sexy if a guy can cook. It's not a must, but it sure is a nice bonus. I can make a couple things really well, a few things pretty well and am an ok cook in general. Increasing my arsenal in that arena is definitely on my to-do list.
And I don't trust people who don't like dogs. Clearly there's something inherently wrong with them. 😉
This ended up being a lot longer than I'd anticipated. I started thinking about things I'm attracted to in others and how I could improve in those areas myself...and it turned into my version of a "propensity to loquaciousness."
Mom objects to the term "word vomit," so that's the alternative I concocted.
You're welcome, world. 🌎
~ Katie Q.
This is still my favorite Matthew Hussey video, which is just some good life advice (though also helpful for cultivating a relationship with someone as well).
Life is full of tough choices and situations. Courage is being afraid and moving forward anyway. Strength of character is key - sticking to your values and convictions. Both are required when facing a tough decision and the wrong answer is also the easier one. These are qualities we all have to work on...but recognizing them in someone else can definitely be attractive (it's why Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney prince...he literally slays a seriously evil dragon for his beloved).
It also takes strength to acknowledge mistakes/failures and to take responsibility for them. I hate admitting when I'm wrong/made a mistake, so apologizing or actually saying I'm sorry is difficult for me. I default to trying to make up for or fix whatever the problem/mistake was, which I stand by (and appreciate in other people), but saying I'm sorry is also necessary. It's a one-two punch - both saying and doing - that makes an apology meaningful. Words are useless without following through with actions and our deeds less effective when unaccompanied by words.
✔ Confident and comfortable with himself
I'm a work in progress, but I have made a concerted effort over the years to know who I am and be comfortable with myself. I worry less about other people's perception of me (not in a "you don't know me!" kind of way) and want to be authentically myself, not a copy of someone else. How can I expect someone to understand me if I don't understand myself? That works in reverse too...how can I understand someone and be the support they need when they are unsure of themselves? I can't just be a source of reassurance and affirmations.
✔ Affectionate and playful
I'm a naturally affectionate and cuddly person (again, selectively). My two primary love languages are quality time and physical touch (I'm very much a "show me, don't just tell me" kind of person). I would not do well with someone who isn't physically affectionate, who doesn't like to hold hands or snuggle while watching a movie. I respect people who don't like engaging physically and need their personal space (I definitely do for "Joe Public"), but when it comes to a significant other, that's a bit of a deal breaker. As for playful...that's something I'm working on. I have the tendency to be a little uptight, but the more comfortable and at ease I am with someone, the more lighthearted and fun I can be. I'm a worrier and (for better or worse) calculate the ramifications of...well, most things. I'm working on being a bit more chill. ⛄
✔ Trustworthy
Another potential deal breaker - I have to be able to trust someone. That's the foundation of a relationship. I take trust very seriously. I pride myself in being someone you can count on. I will do almost anything for the people I love. I've got your back and I won't lie to you. No one is perfect - I've messed up plenty over the years (saying and doing the wrong things), as have people I care about...but there has to be a basic level of trust. I can be a bit Darcy about it too (if you switch out "trust" for "good opinion").
✔ Engaging...but not too engaging
In case you're new here, I'm an introvert. I'm selectively social, but generally personable...I can't tell you how many people have said how nice I am (I have a great personality)...but I'm definitely not someone who draws their energy from those around them. I've become more of an introvert as time has gone by...admittedly this is partially due to deciding it's ok to say "no" to doing things instead of saying "yes" all the time. It's been part of the "getting comfortable with who I am" thing. I felt like I had or was expected to say yes to going to this or participating in that when I really didn't want to...and it was exhausting. I'm still working to find a happy medium - "making myself" attend events more often, while balancing my need for peacefulness. I much prefer one-on-one time with people...my stamina for that is higher than group affairs. It allows me to give someone my full attention and I appreciate when I have theirs.
That being said, I'm definitely drawn to extroverts (being surrounded by them probably has something to do with it, as my immediate family are all extroverts), with certain limitations. I like their energy and admire their ability to engage with those around them, though when that turns into the need to be constantly entertaining and liked by everyone (think Andy from the Office...or nightmare scenario, Michael Scott), it can be difficult to accommodate. In movies and TV shows, I'm frequently drawn to extroverted characters who are also very person-centered, who make the people closest to them a priority, like Seeley Booth from Bones or Dean Winchester from Supernatural. Alternately, one of my favorite introvert characters is Kimball Cho from The Mentalist. Smart, serious, loyal, a good listener with a dry sense of humor...checks a lot of boxes. 😊
And to end on a funny note:
✔ Can cook...and is a dog person 🐶
It's sexy if a guy can cook. It's not a must, but it sure is a nice bonus. I can make a couple things really well, a few things pretty well and am an ok cook in general. Increasing my arsenal in that arena is definitely on my to-do list.
And I don't trust people who don't like dogs. Clearly there's something inherently wrong with them. 😉
♦♢♦♢♦♢
This ended up being a lot longer than I'd anticipated. I started thinking about things I'm attracted to in others and how I could improve in those areas myself...and it turned into my version of a "propensity to loquaciousness."
Mom objects to the term "word vomit," so that's the alternative I concocted.
You're welcome, world. 🌎
~ Katie Q.
This is still my favorite Matthew Hussey video, which is just some good life advice (though also helpful for cultivating a relationship with someone as well).
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