To be fair, those at the other end of the spectrum are treating anything remotely masculine as a menace to society, so I get why someone would create/post this. The world does seem to be at war with men right now. But it's also entirely missing the point of what toxic masculinity is and why it's important to talk about it.
Toxic masculinity is the unhealthy perversion of masculine traits and the rejection of those traditionally perceived as feminine. It's the glorifying of traits/actions like being violent, arrogant, lacking emotion, acting sexually aggressive and domineering to those around you, particularly towards women. It's the mindset that you should get what you want, when you want it and nothing should stand in your way...Boys will be boys!...It's not bullying, it's just getting ahead! It's the pervasive "no means yes" culture. It's telling men they shouldn't feel compassion or empathy...and by golly they'd better not shed a tear because that's what sissies do!
Clearly there is a difference between masculinity and its poisonous counterpart. Courage and strength are two important character traits found in the kind of men pictured above. True masculinity supported the desire to protect their families and homeland and defeat that great evil spreading across Europe. Strength is also getting up at 3am with your kids and working hard to provide for your family...not in being abusive or controlling. It takes courage to speak up for someone who can't speak for themselves, instead of berating or shouting someone down because you disagree with them. Joining a sports team provides a healthy form of competition, as opposed to backstabbing a coworker to get a promotion. Teaching your son to be principled, respectful, honorable, kind, thoughtful and hardworking as opposed to aggressive and rude with a attitude of entitlement are some of the most important things one man can teach/share with another.
I ran across a few good articles discussing toxic masculinity when doing some research for this post. I found a website called The Good Men Project and, while I can't vouch for all their articles, some of them are definitely worth reading. "What is Toxic Masculinity" and "Because, Baby Girl, I'm a Man!" are two of them, the latter for no other reason than the title. 😄 Also "Nontoxic Masculinity," because they compare toxic masculinity to a rabid prairie dog. It's great (though there is mature language, fyi). 😏 They also get points for posting an article/video by Matthew Hussey, a dating advice guru I ran across a couple years ago. I don't agree with him on everything* and actually the best advice of his I've come across (and have actively tried to implement) is more life-related than relationship-y. "Great conversation isn't tennis, it's basketball." The video is definitely worth watching. But I digress...
One of the other reasons I decided to write this post is because of an article that was shared with me by a psychotherapist regarding masculinity. After reading it and then seeing the Facebook post above, I figured they were two things worth posting together, since there are definitely masculine characteristics/traits worth encouraging and cultivating.
Masculinity Isn’t a Sickness
A denial of biology in the American Psychological Association’s new report on men and boys.
In my practice as a psychotherapist, I’ve seen an increase of depression in young men who feel emasculated in a society that is hostile to masculinity. New guidelines from the American Psychological Association defining “traditional masculinity” as a pathological state are likely only to make matters worse.
True, over the past half-century ideas about femininity and masculinity have evolved, sometimes for the better. But the APA guidelines demonize masculinity rather than embracing its positive aspects. In a press release, the APA asserts flatly that “traditional masculinity—marked by stoicism, competitiveness, dominance and aggression—is, on the whole, harmful.” The APA claims that masculinity is to blame for the oppression and abuse of women.
The report encourages clinicians to evaluate masculinity as an evil to be tamed, rather than a force to be integrated. “Although the majority of young men may not identify with explicit sexist beliefs,” it states, “for some men, sexism may become deeply engrained in their construction of masculinity.” The association urges therapists to help men “identify how they have been harmed by discrimination against those who are gender nonconforming”—an ideological claim transformed into a clinical treatment recommendation.
The truth is that masculine traits such as aggression, competitiveness and protective vigilance not only can be positive, but also have a biological basis. Boys and men produce far more testosterone, which is associated biologically and behaviorally with increased aggression and competitiveness. They also produce more vasopressin, a hormone originating in the brain that makes men aggressively protective of their loved ones.
The same goes for feminine traits such as nurturing and emotional sensitivity. Women produce more oxytocin when they nurture their children than men, and the hormone affects men and women differently. Oxytocin makes women more sensitive and empathic, while men become more playfully, tactually stimulating with their children, encouraging resilience. These differences between men and women complement each other, allowing a couple to nurture and challenge their offspring.
Modern society is also too often derisive toward women who embrace their biological tendencies, labeling them abnormal or unhealthy. Women who choose to stay home with their children can feel harshly judged, contributing to postpartum conflict, anxiety and depression.
What’s unhealthy isn’t masculinity or femininity but the demeaning of masculine men and feminine women. The first of the new APA guidelines urges psychologists “to recognize that masculinities are constructed based on social, cultural, and contextual norms,” as if biology had nothing to do with it. Another guideline explicitly scoffs at “binary notions of gender identity as tied to biology.”
From a mental-health perspective, it can be beneficial for women to embrace masculine traits and for men to express feminine ones. Every person will have some mix of the two. But that doesn’t change the reality that women tend to be feminine and men tend to be masculine. Why can’t the APA acknowledge biology while seeing femininity and masculinity on a spectrum?
To be sure, the cult of manhood can be harmful when taken to extremes. Teaching boys—or girls, for that matter—that they should always be stoic, keep their feelings inside and never allow themselves to be vulnerable is a recipe for mental illness. But so is telling boys that aggression, competitiveness and protectiveness is a sign of sickness. The same is true of telling girls that their desire to nurture children is shameful.
We will probably never return to rigid sex roles, and maybe we shouldn’t. But it’s wrong to devalue the important and positive differences between men and women that have complemented and enriched our relationships for tens of thousands of years.
Ms. Komisar is a psychoanalyst and author of “Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters.” She is working on a book about the challenges of raising adolescents in an age of anxiety.
Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Concerns?
~ Katie Q.
* I disagree about flowers for Valentine's Day, mostly because there's an easy solution. Get flowers in addition to something more personal...and get them at random times as a surprise to show that you care. See? Problem solved. 😊🌹
Katie- this was very well done. Thank you. There is so much to consider on the subject of manhood & masculinity. It is very helpful to have so much information and thoughts on this subject in one place. Your 3rd paragraph defines toxic masculinity very clearly. It's extremely helpful. I am grateful for all efforts to eliminate toxic masculinity and all efforts to encourage authentic masculinity! Thanks again!
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