I pride myself for being fairly self aware. It was a conscious decision I made be somewhere along the way. It's one of the reasons I really like the Myers-Briggs personality test and, consequently, reading up more on personality types. I waffle between INFJ and ISFJ when taking the test - though more often than not landing on INFJ.
Recognizing the various facets of our personality can help us cope with life, be it day-to-day issues or how we handle tragedies or disappointments. I think knowing how we're likely to react to situations helps us deal with them, from being aware of destructive tendencies to reinforcing the best parts of our personalities.
This does not mean I believe in using personality types as an excuse, like a zodiac sign or something. "Sorry for screaming at you. I'm an Aries, which means I'm short-tempered and aggressive. I can't help it!" No, Karen. You're just a b*tch.
Being self aware doesn't meant I know everything about myself either. It's a constant learning experience - from real life (actually living through it) to reading about the different personality types and recognizing yourself in the virtues/vices. And while I frequently fail, it means I'm actively trying to be a better person...to be the best version of myself.
One such issue is "Door Slamming." What is that, you ask? Short version - when you cut someone out of your life, slamming the door on your relationship. I read the article (included below) and recognized that I have done that at least three times in my life - one the slow, fade out method and the other two were more slamming-and-locking-the-door kind of deals.
For better or worse, I am very much an all-or-nothing kind of person...though it is something I genuinely work on. I feel things very distinctly - either I don't care or I am 100% into it. I don't do "middle ground" very well. Part of my self awareness journey has been to recognize that other people don't work/think/react the same way. That sounds pretty basic, but I'd get frustrated and feel very undervalued when people didn't take me seriously or into sufficient consideration. I would be (and sometimes still am) hurt when others didn't act how I expect them to (ie. like me), but I am becoming more understanding that everyone is different and not to take things as personally.
In friendships, things can be a little tricky and a balance hard to find. Friendships are a lot of work...and I've come to be better at understanding that I only control my end of a friendship. I choose my level of investment, which may be different from the other person. This is further complicated by the fact that I hate confrontation...which means if I have a problem with something, 85% of the time I'm just going to roll with it and not talk to the person about what's bothering me. I don't want to hurt their feelings, upset them or start an argument. So I let things slide until I don't...which is where the door slamming can come in.
Sometimes door slamming is justified. In my case, I think two of them* were arguably the right decision, although one of those could have been avoided by having a very difficult conversation. The friendship would have still ended, but it would have been a better way to handle it. The third was me overreacting to someone being a turd. Thankfully that friendship was repaired after about 6 months, though it took longer for us to become close again. The other two have taken years to grow into an acquaintanceship and a friendship again, though both have been and continue to be slow going.
I'm trying to do a better job at recognizing when I'm having an issue and taking the time to talk to the person about it, instead of waiting till things blow up to try to resolve them. It's very hard to discuss issues in a friendship that bother you, if for no other reason than not wanting to sound needy or like a whiny baby. I kind of hate it...but also recognize that it's part of the "work" in maintaining a good, healthy, close friendship.
The article itself is a little "this is what INFJ's do and here's how not to get door slammed, Karen!", instead of exploring the idea as a tool to be your best self. I think it's still worth reading, though. Putting a name to something, even as trite as "Door Slam" is helpful, because it's easier to recognize the signs when things are gearing up, so that you can avoid the need to "slam."
For INFJ's, it's all or nothing. If pushed to our limits, there's no coming back, and there's no "happy medium" we can return to. Luckily for everyone else, it takes a lot for us to get to that point, but when you've let us down or hurt us one too many times, you can expect to feel the full wrath of the INFJ "door slam."
Every Myers Briggs personality type has their own way of cutting toxic people out of their lives, but no method is quite as final (and drastic) as an INFJ's. The INFJ door slam is a defense mechanism they use to protect themselves against harmful people and relationships. INFJs are naturally good at getting people to open up to them; they skip the small talk and get to the heart of the matter with the people they meet and connect to. Gaining an INFJ's trust is a major accomplishment, and breaking that trust is seen as the ultimate betrayal. INFJs usually don't door slam because of hurt pride or a superficial slight; they eliminate narcissists, people who are selfish, abusive, those who lie or create unnecessary drama, manipulators, or who don't bring positivity and happiness to the INFJ's life.
"When we (hypothetically) slam the door on a person, it's normally the last thing on our list. We know how terrible slamming the door is, but if we feel like we are vulnerable or severally hurt, which is very hard to reach this stage, the door slam is our ultimate weapon," says Quora user and INFJ Sarah Lane.
Because INFJs let so few people in (and they hate feeling vulnerable!), and because they care so deeply about the ones they do allow themselves to get close to, feeling hurt can cause them to reveal a side they seldom let people see.
Is the INFJ Door Slam Really a Bad Thing?
"Slamming the door" is the last thing an INFJ wants to do, but it can actually be a healthy way of dealing with a toxic relationship, because it means protecting themselves from the potential for any future hurt or conflict by cutting out the person entirely. INFJs will do everything they can to salvage a relationship, to help a person out, and to give them a second chance. This caring nature can mean that they are taken advantage of, so the door slam can be a crucial action that allows an INFJ to truly and finally move on for good.
It's not necessarily dramatic the way they do it either; sometimes a door slam just means the INFJ disappears from someone's life quietly. There isn't always a final confrontation or fall out. The person being shut out will get plenty of warnings before it actually happens, too — though because INFJs are extremely intuitive and can read people easily, they sometimes forget that others can't always do the same, and may not take their hints. Their final door slam may be subtle, but it's nevertheless a strong gesture. Try as they may, it's unlikely that a person will be let back in and trusted once the door is slammed, at least not in the same way they were before.
From the perspective of other personality types, the door slam can seem very extreme, but for the INFJ, it gives them a sense of peace and finality that they are unable to achieve otherwise, which can be essential to their mental health and happiness. This personality type doesn't cut people off casually; it's done after much effort, time, and attempts at alternative solutions.
To avoid the dreaded door slam, it's pretty simple: be kind, honest, respectful, and loyal (if that loyalty is well-deserved, of course). A self-aware and logical INFJ will not slam the door prematurely, so know that if you get door slammed by an INFJ, chances are you may have really deserved it.
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Generalization are just that...basic concepts that may or may not pertain to a given situation or group of people. That being said, this is a pretty good list of INFJ personality traits. These all sound like me, in varying degrees of intensity. I can spot a phony a mile away and I know when you're lying to me...small talk feels like a waste of time...I don't deal with criticism well (it's one of the things I'm working to handle better)...I avoid confrontation like the plague...I'm super private and not particularly trusting...and I don't like being the center of attention (if I never have to give a speech again, it will be too soon).
I think recognizing these traits in myself and the subsequent difference in others helps form a more balanced perspective that leads to better understanding and less miscommunication or misunderstanding between people who react to life differently. I also think it helps those who aren't of the same personality type understand me better, which I assume is a good thing.
Maybe not. I could just lean into the dark horse, quiet and mysterious thing...though that sounds like too much work. 😊
If I want you to know my business, I may tell you — but don't hold your breath for that to happen. If something isn't perfect, I'll work at it until it is. And if you try small talk with me, there's a 99 percent chance I'll find a way to get the f*ck out of there. What can I say? I'm an INFJ through and through.
INFJ personality types are extremely unique. We know what makes us happy, and just as importantly, we know what doesn't. If you're an INFJ, you absolutely hate the following things.
Lack of authenticity.
One of the most interesting things about INFJs is that they can read people like books. These human lie detectors can spot someone being inauthentic or shallow from a mile away, and this quality is a major turn off for the type, no matter what type of relationship it pertains to. Meaningful connections are essential to INFJs, and if they sense that they can't make one with someone, then they have no problems walking away from the person for good. If an INFJ does consider someone authentic and real, and if they have a strong connection with them, then consider yourself in luck — you've just found the most loyal friend you'll ever know.
Small talk.
INFJs hate anything they consider fake, which includes surface-level conversation. This personality type likes to skip the less important chit-chat and get down to the heart of the matter. Anything else just feels like a waste of time, and that is something INFJs simply can't stand.
Criticism.
INFJs are perfectionists. They define themselves by their goals and their ability to achieve those goals, and implications from others or even the general idea of imperfection itself is something this personality type truly dislikes.
They are also very sensitive, so if you want to make an INFJ upset, challenge or criticize them — and be prepared to receive a very strong reaction. While this "perfectionist" behavior can be positive in many ways — you'll never find an INFJ half-assing anything — their pursuit of goals, whether realistic or unrealistic, can lead them down an unhealthy road if they're not careful. Either way, if you feel like criticizing an INFJ, make sure you check your facts and check them twice, because they will be armed with their own strong defenses when you do.
Conflict.
Arguing for the sake of arguing completely baffles INFJs (looking at you "devil's advocates" out there), and they avoid any form of conflict like the plague. But — and there's a major "but" — INFJs can and will hold their own in the face of conflict if they are passionate about the issue at hand. Then they will stop at nothing to support their beliefs and convictions, even if it means engaging in a disagreement they would typically steer clear of.
Being vulnerable.
This personality type is a unique combination of very private and extremely sensitive. An INFJ, who is averse to conflict but strong in their own way, hates being vulnerable. The perfectionist in them needs that control, and vulnerability threatens it. They often keep their sensitivities to themselves, so if you ever do glimpse them, it means they've trusted you immensely by letting you in. Don't take that for granted!
Attention.
INFJs can definitely hold their own in the spotlight — but they don't want to. Ironically, even though they absolutely hate attention, people tend to gravitate toward them and give them unwanted amounts of it. This is because INFJs are persuasive — and great at putting what they are thinking and feeling into words. This type often attracts extroverts who balance out their personalities, and extroverts can (usually unknowingly) cause the spotlight to shine a little too brightly for the INFJ's liking. Bottom line: don't ever throw a surprise party for an INFJ.
People in their space.
Time and a place to recharge are what makes an INFJ tick. They value their alone time and privacy above all else and absolutely can't handle people in their space or intruding on their me time. These things are sacred to them, so a word to the wise: don't mess with an INFJ's stuff, and when they vocalize their need to be alone, respect it. This is crucial for their wellness.
What is your personality type and what are some areas you're seeking to improve? Or a quirk particular to your personality type?
~ Katie Q.
* I have a strong affinity to music...in that I listen to an inordinate amount of it. It calms me, soothes me, helps me work through upset or anger, distracts me and keeps me out of my own head. This being the case, two of the door slams had their own "soundtrack," in that a couple songs stood out to me as backdrops or "understanding what I was feeling" at the time. The first one was characterized by My Immortal by Evanescence and Apologize by OneRepublic. The second was very much Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri and "Set Fire to the Rain" by Adele, with a side of "Loves Me Not" by Kris Allen (feat. Meiko). Let's call this a quirk...I feel less like a crazy person that way. 😊
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