Dobler...or Dahmer?

While it pains me that this picture has a misspelling in it, I couldn't find anything better (so I had to settle).

I included my thoughts and comments at the end of the article.

A NEW STUDY SHOWS ROM-COMS CAN MAKE US MORE TOLERANT OF STALKING

I put this theory to test on three of my favorite movies, and didn't like what I discovered.
MONICA WEIGEL FEB 10, 2016

A recent study by Julia R. Lippman of the University of Michigan, entitled I Did It Because I Never Stopped Loving You: The Effects of Media Portrayals of Persistent Pursuit on Beliefs About Stalking, has found that women who watch and enjoy romantic comedies are more likely to tolerate stalker-like and aggressive behavior from men. The study had three different groups respond to the same questionnaire about “persistent pursuit.” One group watched a film where this behavior was portrayed in a scary way, a second watched a romantic comedy, and a third watched a nature documentary. People who watched the scary movie or nature documentary were far less willing to accept persistent pursuit as normal behavior than those exposed to romantic comedies.

Apparently this line of thinking is not new. When I brought it up to my girlfriends, two of them said that their husbands had mentioned on separate occasions that if men actually behaved the way they do in romantic comedies, women would run in the other direction—in real life those leading men would quickly be deemed creepy.

But wait a minute, you might say. Romantic comedies are the best! They are harmless! They are happy and full of hope! And I am mostly with you. I have an unabashed love for rom coms—the more ridiculous the better (especially if they involve a makeover). But this study did make me take a step back and look at some of my favorite movies and the type of behavior they are promoting. Honestly, it wasn’t very pretty, much less romantic. (Full disclosure: if you don’t want me to potentially ruin some of your favorite films, or spoil the plots of a movie you haven’t seen, read no more. This Pandora’s box is particularly hard to close once it has been opened.)

SAY ANYTHING

One of the most obvious and widely cited examples of persistent pursuit is the movie Say Anything, featuring the iconic scene where John Cusack’s character Lloyd Dobler stands outside Ione Skye’s bedroom window with a boom box over his head after she asks him to leave her alone—repeatedly. 

My mushy side loves this movie. Lloyd and his boom box are following in a long cinematic tradition of standing outside a girl’s bedroom window and throwing rocks to get her attention. So determined! So dedicated! So not okay. If a teenage girl told me that a boy she had been dating but didn’t want to see anymore was following her around wordlessly and refusing to leave, I wouldn’t be impressed or moved, I would be scared for that girl.

The TV show How I Met Your Mother drew attention to this dynamic a few years back by articulating the Dobler-Dahmer Theory, relating situations to either the rom com character or the well-known serial killer. “If both people are into each other, then a big romantic gesture works: Dobler. But if one person isn’t into the other, the same gesture comes off serial-killer crazy: Dahmer.” But even if both parties are “into” each other, shouldn’t the fact that a behavior could EVER be seen as stalker-like be problematic?

Looking back at my own dating experiences, Say Anything doesn’t set very good behavioral examples for men OR women. Stalking is obviously NEVER okay, and nothing a woman does should be seen as inviting it, but I have to admit that when I was younger, I would use the “go away, I don’t want to see you” as a sort of test for guys I was interested in. What I wanted was for them to ignore what I said—to show me how much they actually cared. But when they actually did as I asked, I was let down. I wanted the big gesture that I had been conditioned to expect. I wanted the persistent pursuit over the respecting of my stated wishes. Not a great basis for any relationship.

THE NOTEBOOK

My next example is, I realize, treading on sacred ground, but I am going to go there anyway. The Notebook. (I know, I’m sorry.) Let’s try very hard to move past the irresistible being that is Ryan Gosling and look at what his character is actually doing. I’m not even talking about the crazy, hang off a Ferris Wheel to get a date move. (Which I think anyone would see as over the top and slightly deranged if it happened in real life.) This goes far deeper than that. So deep that my friend Liz, who is recently engaged and who has always been far more cynical than I am, had to lay it out there for me by making me imagine that she was telling me the story.

Hey, remember that kid M I used to date? I ran into him last week after getting engaged to P. Um, he bought the house that we almost slept in together in like 15 years ago. Is that weird? And then I went over there to go see him, and, uh, he had totally remodeled the house because of some random conversation we had 15 years ago!!! Like, I mentioned that I liked wraparound porches and he built a wraparound porch!! We haven't spoken since then, and he has spent that time carefully creating a creepy dream house for me. Should I leave P and marry M?

Sure enough, listening to her version made me realize that, yes, a guy devoting years of his life to the long-lost dreams and decade-old conversations he had with a former love is a little unhealthy and scary. Luckily it turned out that the love was still alive for them both in The Notebook, but had that not been the case...creepy for sure.

Sure, undying love is the stuff of great drama (he’s a bird if she’s a bird, okay?), but when it comes to real life, that kind of irrational behavior can take on a different tone.

MY BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING

Finally, why is it that when men in movies engage in stalking behavior, they get the girl in the end, but when women do it, they end up alone? Take My Best Friend’s Wedding, where Julia Roberts’ character makes every grand, crazy gesture known to man to try and stop her best friend from marrying another woman. Guess what? She ends up looking incredibly foolish, and he marries his fiancé anyway. So not only are women supposed to appreciate persistent pursuit because it is seen as a mark of devotion, but we aren’t allowed to participate in it, because, well, patriarchy. (Kidding. Mostly.)

In the end, I don’t think that this study should make us hate romantic comedies. (There are some non-creepy examples out there—My Big Fat Greek Wedding,Roman Holiday, and American President, just to name a couple off the top of my head.) What it should do is make us reexamine that line between fiction and reality, maybe even to the point of reevaluating what we want from a romantic partner. Hopeless romance complete with suspense and a last-ditch grand gesture at the end makes for a great two-hour story, but what's great in real life is being on the same page as someone—finding compatibility, love, and respect with another person who feels the same way, no stalking behavior required. You may even find that it is the non-cinematic, little gestures on a regular basis, like knowing your Shake Shack order by heart or shoveling the snow even when it's your turn that builds the best foundation. 

***

I found this article interesting and worth thinking about, even just to the "unrealistic views on love" theme. She makes a good point when talking about Say Anything, the problem of saying "no, go away" really being a way to see if they will pursue you. Those kind of mind games aren't healthy for any relationship.

That being said, I am a fair believer in the Dobler-Dahmer theory and don't think all "stalker-like" behavior is bad. If you are not familiar with this concept, read the picture above or scroll up to the YouTube clip from How I Met You Mother. There are plenty of things that would seem creepy if you weren't into the other person that are perfect reasonable if you are. Of course there are always exceptions, like starting a fire to get the alarm to go off because "I couldn't stand the thought of not meeting you." That always goes on the crazy person list.

I have a hard time saying most big romantic gestures/stalker-like behaviors are problematic...mostly because I know of some real life situations that were awesome. A friend of Matt's dad tells a story of how he proposed to his wife that is epic. They'd been dating a while and Mr. B decided on a big romantic gesture for the proposal. It was the middle of winter (in NE), freezing cold, late at night and he was "in loooove!" as he likes to say. He popped a ladder on the roof of his car (truck?), stopped at the store to buy a rose and drove over to her house. He put the ladder up against the hosue, put the rose between his teeth, climbed up and knocked on the window. When she opened it, he said he loved her and asked her to marry him...to which she said no. I can't remember why...I think it was because they were too young (or at least she was). Eventually they ended up getting married, having 4 kids and are one of the best married couples I know. Clearly I'm leaning Dobler on this one. But what if she had been thinking of breaking up with him and suddenly, in the middle of a dark and blizzard-y night, she heard a knock on her second floor bedroom window and saw his face looking in? Dahmer alert!

Glamour wrote an article about a "real life example" - apparently Tumblr had a series of posts about a guy trying to win back his girlfriend.

"The story, in his own words: “Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy messes up. Boy cleans up the mess, realizes what he’s lost, what he’s gained, who he is, what he wants. Boy wants the love of his life back.” He's hung 600 posters of a Nabokov quote with sentimental meaning to the ex-couple around New York City, in the hopes that she'll see it and know it's a message from him. The blog is filled with pictures of the posters spotted around town, as well as special quotes and songs and the background story of what happened between them. He says he'll keep up his efforts until Valentine's Day."

Cute? Crazy? I think it really depends on the situation. The fact that he took the time and effort to hang 600 posters shows a lot of commitment...and if they had sentimental meaning to them as a couple, it shows thoughtfulness, is sweet and considerate. If, on the other hand, they broke up for a good reason and she's never, ever taking him back, then...creepy!

Here's a more personal example. If I'm remembering the story correctly (Mom - feel free to correct me if I'm wrong), after my folks started dating, my dad took a trip to Australia. While he was there, my mom tracked him down by calling around to different hotels...presumably because she missed him and wanted to chat. This has since turning into the story about how mom woke dad up in the middle of the night when she called him in Australia...but to be fair, he called her one time in the middle of the night and woke up her mother (my grandma), who was none too pleased at the disturbance. That aside - it turned out to be sweet since they liked each other and mom "couldn't stand the thought of not talking to him" (to steal-ish from HIMYM). On the other hand, it would have been supremely creepy if, while in another county, some gal you went on a couple dates with suddenly called you in the middle of the night...and you hadn't told her where you were staying!

Ooh, I thought of another one. My brother met a girl who lived out of state (she was in town visiting friends when they met?) and decided to ask her out via telegram. Like, telegram. Admittedly I'm prejudiced, but I think that was adorable and Dobler. If she wasn't into him and thought it was weird that he contacted her in such an unconventional way at school, then she might lean Dahmer in that situation.

Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Any Dobler-Dahmer stories to share? :)


~ Katie

Song of the Day: I've had "Careless Whisper" stuck in my head ever since I heard it during the end credits of a movie last weekend. I'm sure I heard the original at some point, but my favorite version is by Seether.

"Careless Whisper" by WHAM

"Careless Whisper" by Seether