Love Languages

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Stick with me here for just a second!

I promise this isn't a super mushy, poetry laden, lovey dovey post. Well...not exactly, anyway. :)

It is, however, another one of those "learn more about yourself" posts.

The idea came from a "test" I took a few years ago that gave me a lot to think about and which helped me to understand myself and those close to me a bit better...so I thought I'd share some of those musings in a post. I'm squeaking it in on the last day of January, so no one can accuse me of it being a Valentines-y post! :)

So...here it goes. Your "love language" is how you feel love/appreciation from those around you, which consequentially affects how you act around or treat others. The website I used for this test describes it as "your emotional communication preference," which means more than just in a romantic context. While it certainly includes significant others, it also plays into your relationships with family and friends.

Below is a link to the website I used for the "love language test." It asks for a name and email address (so they can send you the results), but there is the option to "skip" and you'll still get the results at the end. They ask you 30 questions with two options per question...there were a couple where either answer would have worked for me, so I had to pick the best one and move on. It's not tough nor does it take too long...my only suggestion would be don't overthink it!

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

My Scores:
3 Words of Affirmation
8 Quality Time
5 Receiving Gifts
6 Acts of Service
8 Physical Touch

Quality Time and Physical Touch tied for the win...who'da thunk, right? :) 

Between the two I want to concentrate on Quality Time, which basically means that spending meaningful time (duh) with people is the way I connect...investing time to cultivate a friendship...and how I feel loved and appreciated in return. Like I said, no surprise. While my friends know I'm not overly social with joe-public, spending time with the people I care about makes me happy. Even if we're not doing anything...just hanging out is nice.

Last year (well, in 2012...I'm not really used to it being 2014 yet) there was a guy I was seeing...and by seeing, I mean in the "long distance, phone talking" sense (long story, don't ask). We talked on the phone for hours, "spending time" together. Sometimes we talked about important stuff, sometimes it was about next to nothing, random crap. Our shortest call was 18 minutes long and our record was just shy of 5 hours, with a normal conversation lasting around 3-4 hours. I know being on the phone that long sounds crazy to a lot of people, but since we lived in different states, it was in lieu of going to movies or spending real time together and was the foundation of our friendship...which shattered into a massive pile of rubble, but that's completely beside the point. :) 

Putting this idea of quality time "down on paper" helped me to understand my relationships better, potentially decreasing misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Just because this is how I feel or operate, that doesn't mean others express themselves in the same way. If someone doesn't take specific interest in something that is going on in my life or even my general interests, it just means they express themselves differently than I do and not that they're blowing me off. I mean sure, some people are just jerks or too self-centered to make time for others, but presumably I can tell the difference. Once I recognize the difference in priorities in a given relationship, it can help keep me from getting frustrated and prompt me to reevaluate my expectations for that friendship. Lack of active interest doesn't mean someone is a bad friend...it just means they're not good best friend or confidante material for me personally.

Because of this emphasis on time, I am someone who worries about being an imposition to others. Time means something to me and I'm naturally inclined to assume others feel the same way. The last thing I want is to take up someone's time who would rather be doing something else and in the past I've definitely worried that something's up when friends have seemed stand off-ish or been quieter than usual. Over time I have gotten more comfortable with the idea that if people don't feel like hanging out they'll just tell me and it in no way reflects poorly on our relationship. Sometimes you need a little space and just don't feel like talking or dealing with more people than absolutely necessary. Believe me, I totally get that.

I also realized  the "quality time" thing is why it can bug me so much when people don't make time for me. I hate feeling ignored or like people aren't paying attention to me (when they otherwise should be, like during a conversation)...and having to answer the same question twice in a 30 second period is pretty much guaranteed to make me cranky. By attention I don't mean "center of attention"...it's more like concentration. I try to give people my full attention when we're talking and it can bother me when they don't extend me the same courtesy. I try to remember things/topics that are important to others so that I can engage them in something they're interested in when we're talking. Conversely, if you ask if I was able to get tickets for that concert I was excited about or if a book I was looking forward to has come out yet, I will notice that you remember something that interests me and thought to ask about it. It might sound silly, but the little things really do matter. Again, I've gotten better over the years and am far less likely to feel offended when I'm receiving divided attention because I know it's not intentional or a slight...but it's definitely something I'm still working on.

Like many other things, there's a certain amount of overlap between categories. For me, acts of service and quality time tend to be associated and are active instead of passive expressions of thought or care. Words of affirmation are great, but if those words aren't supported or followed up by doing something to show the words have actual meaning, then what's the point? Acts of service show me that you care and that you're thinking about me and this generally include spending time together, showing me how you feel. An example I use a lot is a friend of mine went to all the midnight showings of the Twilight movies with me because he knew I wanted to go and probably wouldn't have alone. Was that something he wanted to do or would have done by himself? Aw, hell no. But as an expression of our friendship, he made the effort and took the time to do something I wanted even though it wasn't something he enjoyed. A repeat performance was when we went to see "The Women in Black," a Daniel Radcliffe horror flick...though to be honest that time was more to get out of the doghouse than anything else. :)

Gerbera Daisies,
in case you were wondering.

I know people who would score high in the "Words of Affirmation" department, placing great store in verbally expressions of how people feel about them, such as thoughtful reminders like "I love you," or calling them sweetheart or reminding them how important they are in your life. These people tend to be much better than...ooh, say me...in expressing their feelings in a very literal, spoken sense. Telling family and friends that you love them is important and is far more natural for some people than others. Receiving Gifts is another category that is more natural for some people than others. It's an expression of thoughtfulness more than the actual gift itself and works both ways in a relationship/friendship. For example, buying a woman a garnet necklace or earrings because her birthday is in January will likely mean more to her than if you bought a more expensive diamond necklace. Diamonds are great, but the thought behind the garnet will make it worth more to her. Or if you know she likes Gerbera daisies, she will appreciate them more than if you brought a bouquet of roses. Personally, I'm a big fan of both. :)

I don't mean to over-complicate relationships by thinking and writing about stuff like this. No one is perfect and you're going to bug someone inadvertently by your actions, habits, mannerisms or quirks, but taking the time to consider what a friend is doing isn't meant to offend you or how you express your friendship/feelings to others might help prevent upset or unnecessarily hurt feelings, both of which are best to avoid whenever possible, in my humble opinion. :)

So...what is your "emotional communication preference"?

Come on...take the test. You know you want to. :)

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/


~ Katie